This is one of those posts where I honestly am not sure where to begin. I just felt maybe it was time to be honest and be a bit raw…. As if I am often raw in what I write most eery time! But, lately I have felt that this is something we often fail at doing with others. The world of social media, writing and posting is filled with the high moments, but almost never used to share the low moments. So, I thought maybe I could share a bit of honest, raw and real life.
I’ve been in a hard season. It’s been a season of trial. change, disappointment and failure. And, it’s been a long season. I’ve done well to share the highlights and keep my head up. But, lately it’s been harder. I am a very resilient person, but even the most resilient person gets tired. Today I am tired. Have you ever been here? Have you felt like you’ve reached the end of your ability to just keep smiling?
The last 3 1/2 years have been hard. Our family has faced some of the toughest struggles ever. It started with my health as I survived complete Liver failure. It was the worst 5 months of my life physically, and wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy! As I was recovering we had both of our vehicles stolen and are still driving the damaged and vandalized vehicles today. This left my family feeling insecure about our home and safety. Then we lost our business when my partner embezzled everything we had. Within 3 months, we had to close the doors on our church plant. We struggled for the next year through a relocation, starting over and trying to rebuild. During that season my marriage hit it’s toughest moments. And, it has taken everything we have to survive. But, I am grateful to be married to someone who, like me, never gives up! We then made a move to what we felt would be a great new ministry. But, after 4 months, I was fired. It was devastating. We were able to relocate again, the 3rd time in 2 years, and try to start over. But, since that day, I have yet to replace my income and be able to catch up to the cost of so much change. And, the little income I have had, has recently been removed. So, this year, for the first time in 12 years, Allison was forced to give up being a stay at home mom, and go back to work. This has not been easy on me, our kids and especially Allison. It’s been a crazy few years. Not a beautiful season!
I am tired. I am worn out. And, if I am honest, some days I just wonder if we will ever find security or stability.
In having to leave a position in ministry, I lost my entire network of friendships. As it turns out, if you’re no longer a pastor, you don’t get to keep your pastor friends. Because of the great changes in our life, we have not had the chance to build great friends. And, the few we still have, aren’t with us day to day. So, often we feel as though we live in isolation.
The truth is this, I am exhausted. I feel like most days I have nothing left. I feel completely alone. I feel isolated, because the few people who can relate to the things we have faced, will never be honest enough to admit it.
I have feared sharing this sort of sentiment because I have feared most people will see this as the final blow….. and I may be right! I have great ideas, great dreams and belief in what I am working to create today. But, as of today, after so many ventures, tries and short comings… I am left to venture alone.
Yet, I don’t want to end this so sour… I have peace! I know that I have a God who loves me without a single boundary. I am loved by God even when I fail, fall and freak out! That has sustained me. I have the healthiest and most secure position in my faith than ever before. I am hopeful that God is not done with me. After all, I truly believe this… “If you’re not dead, God’s not done!” So, I wait with nervous anticipation of what God may choose next for my life. He hasn't guaranteed it to be a happy thing or an easy thing. But, He has always sustained me. He has always made sure I have enough.
Today, I am secure that I am enough for God and He is happy with me. But, I still find myself at war with my own ego and my emotions. Will I ever find friends I can count on? Will I ever be enough to satisfy the needs of the people around me? Will I ever be able to simply enjoy the fruits of my hard work? Will I succeed as a husband, father and leader? In truth, the answer is likely no…. and the question that really matters is “Will God be enough for me?” To that I am certain, even on my lowest days that I believe it is a resounding YES!
This is not unique to me. This is the story we all face. We will all walk through these seasons. The key component is being honest, being real and being humble. Today I need prayer. Will I be okay? Of course! This is a season, and for me it’s been a long season. I am tired. And, I am am ready for rest I am ready to recharge. I am ready for the next epic chapter in my Uncommon Life!
What is your story?