I feel as though I need to share a major confession....Something God has been working in my life and my heart during this season of life and ministry. My prayer is that this will be liberating for some of you who read this blog. My hope is that you will see what goes on in the heart of many leaders and pastors!
I have lived in HUGE insecurity and pride for much of my life. It is/was founded in shame, which I'll explain. I have truly never been able to wrap my entire mind around how much Jesus loves me. While I have said it and preached it, I have still struggled to believe that it was a love for me. A love NOT founded on who I am or what I do. Being a driven person, and ambitious, I felt my affirmation and acceptance was based on my work and my achievements. Obviously this is HUGELY flawed, because it negates the work of Jesus on the cross.
I am loved 100% because of who Jesus is and 100% not because of myself! And, as a result I an 100% fully loved.
The result of these things is that I have been addicted to performance and achievement. None of those are the things that God has called me to do. Those are selfish and sinful pursuits! They are idolatry.
My shame was founded in the fact that God had revealed a BIG vision to me. Instead of celebrating the fact that God shared the vision, I was not present for that, I missed it. I was worried about achieving that vision and feeling shameful that I had not made it happen already. I say "made it" happen on purpose...Because I thought I had to make it happen. In reality I truly understand that God is the only one to make it happen. My role is to be present and worshipping Him in the process. That is liberating beyond words!
God has awakened my heart in HUGE ways. I cannot explain just how I feel much more free than ever in life. I have this overwhelming sense of excitement. I seem to have this light feeling and anticipation that God now has room to truly fill me with greater things and use my life in better ways. But, He will use me best when I sit still and just enjoy his presence.
For so long I have been coming to the table with Jesus and telling Him about my plans and ideas, and asking Him to join me in my adventures. But, now I am able to come to the table and wait on Jesus to show me how I can join Him in His work. God is not in a hurry...and I am learning to be content to wait on Him to use me, and most of all love me!
The reality is that God has chosen to build a church here in Austin and He has invited me to come and watch Him do it. That gives me the freedom to just be me, stand courageous, be confident, and watch miracles happen! It won't happen because of me, it will happen because of Him. I have a unique invitation to serve as part of that church.
I want to apologize if my pride, insecurity and shame have hurt you. These things happen when we work hard to try and force God's plan, instead of just follow it. This is often a major flaw of leaders. I am grateful for the people God has used in my life to help reveal this truth to me. Thank you to those who have stood beside me no matter what. Thanks to my bride, who has seen and known my flaws for a long time, and stood beside me every day! Without all of this, I would not be where I am today!