This weekend I had to wrestle with a few internal demons..... NO... I am not possessed! I am talking about the things in me that are at war with my contentment and peace. Let me explain.
This last year has been a truly tough year. I stepped out this time last year on complete faith to start my own business. At the same time I was making some HUGE leaps in faith for the church plant I was pastoring. I had built up a large savings account for security, spent countless hours doing research, planning, budgeting and praying. So at the end of October last year, I left my 9-5 job and wagered all I had to see if I could do something BIG. If you know me, this is no surprise... I am a risk taker at heart!
Long story short.... It simply did not work. My plans failed! I Failed...
It started out well.... The church spiked it's attendance after a BIG event in late October, we got a new location, excitement was intense.... but in just a matter of 8-9 months, the church had simply ceased to be able to live and multiply. The business I created came out of the starting blocks in FULL force. We were paying our bills and not losing money.... which is not normal for a startup. But, my drive and push, I believe, helped us. However, my trusting and believing personality set us up for a pitfall. I realized 4 1/2 months in that the baseline of our business had been corrupted and all of my investment had been improperly used and simply taken! As a result, we had to shut down! Tough when you started with all cash up front, and no credit.... All of our savings went in, and nothing came out! I lost the 2 things that were important and defined me, aside from my family!
When you risk much, you stand to lose much! I know this better now than ever before!
So, here I sit one year later.... I am not a pastor.... I am not a business owner.... I am not my own boss... I am not financially secure.... I am not in the lead..... And if you know me, you know that kills me. The demons I wrestle with are the demons of pride, significance and "purpose". I put that last one in quotes because the purpose I am talking about is the one I define, not the one God defines!
Now I simply go to church, not lead one. Now I simply go to work in a business, not start one. Now I simply get a pay check, not create one. Now I simply participate and not lead. These things are not easy for me. Yet, in the midst there is peace. I no longer have the ability to do something, create something or lead something. In this season I must be a follower, a supporter and a survivor. This is not easy! I am built to be a leader, and innovator, a risk taker and a champion. But, today, my only ability is to simply be! That's it just be!
For a long time I have heard my great friend Pablo Giacopelli talk about the idea that God created us to be Human Beings and NOT Human Doings.... Today I understand that more than ever. God did not created us to do something, He created us to be something. He created us so that we could simply have a relationship with Him. He created us so that we could simply glorify Him through our very existence. After all, He created the world and everything in it.... What could we possibly do that's any greater.... NOTHING! He created us to simply be. Today.... I can only do that, simply be.
It's not easy for me..... What about you?